"Go right ahead...I'm listening." she said, still staring out at the ocean with her hand in her chin.

"Well it all started about 6 or 7 years ago..I was 13..I'm 19 now..and we were starting out our little singing group. It was me,Howie and AJ..then we had some guy named Pheonix [AN-I think that was his name..he was in BOP or BB or one of those a while ago], then he dropped out. Along came Kevin and then he brought Brian. By the time I was 14 or 15..we got really popular in Europe and Germany..over there..and it was like..I mean..I--I--I was a geek in Elementary and Junior high school and it was like..I was the nerd,the one no one wanted to talk to..I'd walk down the halls with my head down so no one would notice me and make fun of me. No girls EVER looked my way. I would always go home and just wish that I could have a girlfriend or even more friends than 1 or 2. So when the guys and I got popular it..it was like I was getting all the attention I ever wanted and more..just for being me, 'Icky Nicky' Carter."

~Jeannay~
Ok, so I'm startin to feel a soft spot for Nick here..I mean, we all can identify with the nerd/geek factor thing in school..at least I certainly could.

"No.it's all sorry crap to get me to get in bed with him..geez..he's goin far to get me..I must be pretty damn good lookin' tonight" I grinned to myself.

"Go on.." I said, just so he knew I was still with him.

"So..then there were..the girls. They were EVERYWHERE. And most of them wanted me..ME..Nick Carter,the geek..they wanted ME. I was just so..thrilled, amazed,shocked. It was like..the greatest thing in the world. Then that's when..the midlife crisis of a teenager [AN- [midlife crisis of a teenager] a quote of Nick's taken from Teen People's 21 under 21 show..] thing kicked in--"

I intrupted, "Puberty,Nick. A teenager is not in midlife,therefore can not have a midlife crisis. It's called puberty." [AN- something I want to say to Nick's face..lol]

Nick blushed a little, "Pu..puberty..whatever[said really quickly]. Anyways..I was really REEEALLY..starting to look at girls in..well..like..in *that* way..and..here were all of them..all wanting me..it would be *so* easy to have them all for me. I guess you could say I was greedy."

"I guess.." I rolled my eyes but Nick didn't see.

"And so it started with one girl..and then it felt good. It..sex..wasn't what everyone told me it should be ya know? I didn't feel any WOW besides well..ya know what happens..but it did feel good. And it just led to another in another city..and then one more. And that's how it started."

I sighed,feeling a little angry at myself for feeling a little bad for him, "ok.." I said, not sure of what to say, "Do you want my story now?"

"Oh, I'm not done yet.." Nick said sadly.

"Ok then..go on.."

"Now it's all catching up to me..like.." he blew out a breath of air..a frusterated sigh almost.."my best friend, Brian..he's in the group too, he can't even be near me hardly anymore. He's so disgusted by me. I see it all over his face. And I know that I don't think I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship because the girl will always think I'm gonna just use her for sex. I don't know how wide spread the knowledge of my problem is. And..it's like...I can't even.." Nick struggled for words, and I could see he was trying to hold back tears, "It's not even my fault and I can't control it. I mean, I guess it is my fault..I could have not had sex with all those girls but..it was like...too much..too much temptation. Too much of what I always thought I'd never have. I reeled in it, knowing I could finally have girls. And then it became a habit. And I can't even talk to anyone about it. AJ doesn't mind much..Kevin and Howie don't bother themselves too much about me and Brian.." he sighed, letting a tear slip by, "..Brian hates me. And I can't do anything. I'm..lost. I don't know. I don't know what happened to me. It wasn't until I was 16 or 17 before I started the whole chain of women..I used to be the good kid..and nothing was so complicated..and I would never even think of myself ending up with this problem. It's like.." Nick let a kind of aggrivated grunt,as he couldn't think of what to say to describe it.

Tears stood in my eyes..I knew the pain, I didn't have the same problem but knew exactly what he was feeling, "It's like you lost your way.." I finished for him.

He turned towards me for the first time, his eyes wide,"How did you know?"

I thought about my situation as a few of my tears fell. I shook my head and sighed.

Then I felt his hands on my face, wiping my tears away, "Thank--" I was cut off by a pair of lips on mine. We pulled back from the kiss and I slapped him hard across the face, "DAMN YOU,CARTER! You almost had me there for a minute. I thought you could really be out of control of your life like I feel. I thought you..I FELT SORRY FOR YOU! I knew it was just one of your ploys to get me in your bed. And you changed my mind for a while..I thought we could actually help eachother out. I can't belive you could do this..you..you.. ASS!" I was so angry I couldn't even think of a good insult and I slapped him again and ran down the beach, leaving him there, tears running down my face.

Little did I know how much my words actually hurt..

More to come!

(to "I've Lost My Way" index)

by Mystery Lady and Mystery Frack, 1999